Family Duty

He that is the master of a family, he has, as under that relation, a work to do for God; the right governing of his own family. And his work is twofold. First, Touching the spiritual state of it. Second, Touching the outward state of it.

First, As touching the spiritual state of his family; he should be very diligent and circumspect, doing his utmost endeavour both to increase faith where it is begun, and to begin it where it is not. For this reason, he should diligently and frequently lay before his household such things of God, out of his word, as are suitable for each particular. And let no man question his rule in the word of God for such a practice; for if the thing itself were but of good report, and a thing tending to civil honesty, it is within the compass and bounds even of nature itself, and should be done; much more things of a higher nature; besides, the apostle exhorts us to ‘Whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, pure, lovely, and of good report, to think of them,’ that is, to be mindful to do them (Phil 4:8). But to be conversant in this godly exercise in our family, is very worthy of praise, and is very fitting to all Christians. This is one of the things for which God so highly commended his servant Abraham, and that with which his heart was so much affected by. I know Abraham, says God, ‘I know him’ to be a good man indeed, for ‘he will command his children, and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord’ (Gen 18:19). This was a thing also which good Joshua designed should be his practice as long as he had a breathing time in this world. ‘As for me,’ says he, I ‘and my household, we will serve the Lord’ (Josh 24:15).

Further, we find also in the New Testament, that they are looked upon as Christians of an inferior rank that have not a due regard to this duty; yes, so inferior as not fit to be chosen to any office in the church of God. A [bishop or] pastor must be one that rules well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God? ‘The deacon’ also, says he, must ‘be the husband of one wife, ruling their children, and their own house well’ (1 Tim 3). Notice, the apostle seems to lay down this much, that a man that governs his family well, has one qualification belonging to a pastor or deacon in the house of God, for he that knows not how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God? This, considered, gives us light into the work of the master of a family, touching the governing of his house.

Objection: But my family is ungodly and unruly, touching all that is good. What should I do?

Answer: 1. Though this be true, yet you must rule them, and not them you! You are set over them of God, and you are to use the authority which God has given you, both to rebuke their vice, and to show them the evil of their rebelling against the Lord. Eli did this, though not enough; and so did David (1 Sam 2:24, 25; 1 Chron. 28:9). Also, you must tell them how sad your state was when you were in their condition, and so labour to recover them out of the snare of the devil (Mark 5:19).

You know that the jailor, Lydia, Crispus, Gaius, Stephanus, and others, had not only themselves, but their families, made gracious by the word preached, and that some of them, if not all, by the word preached in their houses (Acts 16:14-34; ; ). And this, for all I know, might be one reason among many, why the apostles taught in their day, not only publicly, but from house to house; I say, that they might, if possible, bring in those in some family, which yet remained unconverted, and in their sins (; ). For some, you know how usual it was in the day of Christ, to invite him to their houses, if they had any afflicted, that either would not or could not come unto him (; ). If this be the way with those that have outward diseases in their families, how much more then, where there are souls that have need of Christ, to save them from death and eternal damnation!

Second, Touching the outward state of your family, you are to consider these three things.

Christians, ‘The time is short: it remaineth that both they that have wives be as though they had none; and they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that use this world, as not abusing it; for the fashion of this world passeth away’ (1 Cor. 7:29-31). Many Christians live and do in this world, as if religion were but a by-business, and this world the one thing necessary; when indeed all the things of this world are but things by the by; and religion only the one thing needful (Luke 10:40-42).

(1.) You must see that your children and servants are under subjection to the word of God; for though it is of God only to rule the heart, yet he expects that you should rule their outward man; which if you do not, he may in a short time cut off all your stock, [even every male] (1 Sa. 3:11-14). See therefore that you keep them temperate in all things, in apparel, in language, that they be not gluttons, nor drunkards; not suffering either your children vainly to domineer over your servants, nor they again to carry themselves foolishly towards each other.

(2.) Learn to distinguish between that injury that in your family is done to you, and that which is done to God; and though you should be very zealous for the Lord, and to bear nothing that is open transgression to him; yet here will be your wisdom, to pass by personal injuries, and to bury them in oblivion: ‘Love covereth a multitude of sins.’ Be not then like those that will rage and stare like madmen, when they are injured; and yet either laugh, or at least not soberly rebuke, and warn, when God is dishonored.

‘Rule thy own house well, having thy children - with others in thy family - in subjection, with all gravity’ (1 Tim 3:4). Solomon was so excellent sometimes this way, that he made the eyes of his beholders to dazzle (2 Chron. 9:3, 4). But to break off from this general, and to come to particulars.

Do you have a wife? You must consider how you should behave yourself in that relation: and to do this right, you must consider the condition of your wife, whether she is one that indeed believes or not. First, If she believes, then,

This is one of God’s chief ends in instituting marriage, that Christ and his church, under a figure, might be wherever there is a couple that believe through grace. Therefore that husband that carries himself indiscreetly towards his wife, he does not only behave himself contrary to the rule, but also makes his wife lose the benefit of such an ordinance, and crosses the mystery of his relation.

Therefore, I say, ‘So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife, loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:’ (Eph. 5:8, 29). Christ laid out his life for his church, covers her infirmities, communicates to her his wisdom, protects her, and helps her in her employments in this world; and so should men do for their wives. Solomon and Pharaoh’s daughter had the art of thus doing, as you may see in the book of The Song of Solomon. Therefore bear with their weaknesses, help their infirmities, and honor them as the weaker vessels, and as being of a frailer constitution (1 Peter 3:7).

In a word, be such a husband to your believing wife, that she may say, God has not only given me a husband, but such a husband as preaches to me everyday the behavior of Christ to his church.

Second, If your wife be unbelieving or carnal, then you have also a duty lying before you, which you are engaged to perform under a double engagement: 1. For that she lies liable every moment to eternal damnation. 2. That she is your wife that is in this evil case. Oh! how little sense of the worth of souls is there in the heart of some husbands; as is manifest by their unchristian behavior toward and before their wives! Now, to qualify you for a behavior suitable,

But passing the master of the family, I will speak a word or two to those that are under him. And, first, to the wife: The wife is bound by the law to her husband, so long as her husband lives (Rom. 7:2). Therefore she also has her work and place in the family, as well as the rest. Now there are these things considered in the carriage of a wife toward her husband, which she should conscientiously observe.

First, That she look upon him as her head and lord. ‘The head of the woman is the man’ (1 Cor. 11:3). And so Sarah called Abraham lord (1 Peter 3:6).

Second, She should therefore be subject to him, as is fit in the Lord. The apostle says, ‘That the wife should submit herself to her husband, as to the Lord’ (1 Peter 3:1; Col. 3:18; Eph. 5:22). I told you before, that if the husband does walk towards his wife as is fitting to him, he will therein be such an ordinance of God to her, besides the relation of a husband, that will preach to her the behaviour of Christ to his church. And now I say also, that the wife, if she walk with her husband as is fitting to her, she shall preach the obedience of the church to her husband. ‘Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything’ (Eph. 5:24). Now for your performing of this work, you must first shun these evils.

But yet, do not think that by the subjection I have here mentioned, that I do intend women should be their husbands’ slaves. Women are their husbands’ yoke-fellows, their flesh and their bones; and he is not a man that hates his own flesh, or that is bitter against it (Eph. 5:29). Wherefore, let every man ‘love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband’ (Eph. 5:33). The wife is master next her husband, and is to rule all in his absence; yes, in his presence she is to guide the house, to bring up the children, provided she does it, as the adversary has no occasion to speak reproachfully (1 Tim. 5:10, 13). ‘Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. A gracious woman retaineth honour:’ and guides her affairs with discretion (Prov 31:10; 11:16; 12:4).

Objection: But my husband is an unbeliever; what shall I do?

Answer: If so, then what I have said before lies upon you with an engagement so much the stronger. For, 1. Your husband being in this condition, he will be watchful to take your slips and infirmities, to throw them as dirt in the face of God and your Savior. 2. He will be apt to make the worst of every one of your words, actions, and gestures. 3. And all this does tend to the possessing his heart with more hardness, prejudice, and opposition to his own salvation; therefore, as Peter says, ‘ye wives, be in subjection to your husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they may also without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation, coupled with fear’ (1 Peter 3:1, 2). Your husband’s salvation or damnation lies much in your good behaviour before him; therefore, if there is in you any fear of God, or love to your husband, seek, by behavior full of meekness, modesty, and holiness, and a humbleness before him, to win him to the love of his own salvation; and by doing this, how ‘knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband?’ (1 Cor. 7:16).

Objection: But my husband is not only an unbeliever, but one very contentious, peevish, and testy, yes, so contentious, etc., that I know not how to speak to him, or behave myself before him.

Answer: Indeed there are some wives in great slavery by reason of their ungodly husbands; and as such should be pitied, and prayed for; so they should be so much the more watchful and circumspect in all their ways.

(1.) Consider his disposition; and take him when he is farthest off of those filthy passions that are your afflictions. Abigail would not speak a word to her churlish husband till his wine was gone from him, and he in a sober temper (1 Sam. 25:36, 37). Not heeding this observation is the cause why so much is spoken, and so little affected.

(2.) Take him at those times when he has his heart taken with you, and when he shows tokens of love and delight in you. Thus did Esther with the king her husband, and prevailed (Esther 5:3, 6; 7:1, 2).

(3.) Observe when convictions seize his conscience, and then follow them with sound and grave sayings of the Scriptures. Somewhat like to this dealt Manoah’s wife with her husband (Judges 13:22, 23). Yet then, (a) Let your words be few.

(b) And none of them savouring of a lording it over him; but speak still as to your head and lord, by way of entreaty and beseeching.

(c) And that in such a spirit of sympathy, and a heart of affection after his good, that the manner of your speech and behaviour in speaking may be to him an argument that you speak in love, as being sensible of his misery, and inflamed in your soul with desire after his conversion.

(d) And follow your words and behavior with prayers to God for his soul.

(e) Still keeping yourself in a holy, chaste, and modest behavior before him.

Objection: But my husband is stupid, a fool, and one that has not wit enough to follow his outward employment in the world.

Answer. 1. Though all this be true, yet you must know he is your head, your lord, and your husband.

If you are a parent, a father, or a mother, then you are to consider your calling under this relation. Your children have souls, and they must be born of God as well as of you, or they perish. And know also, that unless you be very circumspect in your behavior to and before them, they may perish through you: the thoughts of which should provoke you, both to instruct, and also to correct them.

First, To instruct them as the scripture says, and to ‘bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord’; and to do this diligently, ‘when thou sittest in thine house - when thou liest down, and when thou risest up’ (Eph. 6:4; Deut. 6:7).

Now to do this to purpose:

Isaac was so holy before his children, that when Jacob remembered God, he remembered that he was ‘the Fear of his father Isaac’ (Gen. 31:53).

Ah! when children can think of their parents, and bless God for that instruction and good they have received from them, this is not only profitable for children, but honorable, and comfortable to parents: ‘The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him’ (Prov. 23:24, 25).

Second, The duty of correction.

There lies also a duty upon children to their parents, which they are bound both by the law of God and nature conscientiously to observe: ‘Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.’ And again, ‘Children, obey your parents in all things; for this is well pleasing unto the Lord’ (Eph 6:1; Col 3:20).

There are these general things in which children should show forth that honour that is due to their parents from them.

First, They should always count them better than themselves. I observe a vile spirit among some children, and that is, they are apt to look down upon their parents, and to have slighting and scornful thoughts of them. This is worse than heathenish; such an one has got just the heart of a dog or a beast, that will bite those that produced them, and her that brought them forth. Objection: But my father, etc., is now poor, and I am rich, and it will be a disparagement, or at least a hindrance to me, to show that respect to him as otherwise I might.

Answer: I tell you, you argue like an atheist and a beast, and stand in this full flat against the Son of God (Mark 7:9-13). Must a gift, and a little of the glory of the butterfly, make you that you should not do for, and give honour to, your father and mother? ‘A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish man despiseth his mother’ (Prov 15:20). Though your parents be never so low, and you yourself never so high, yet he is your father, and she your mother, and they must be in your eye in great esteem: ‘The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it’ (Prov. 30:17).

Second, You should show honour to your parents, by a willingness to help them with such necessaries and accommodations which they need. ‘If any have children or nephews, let them learn to show piety at home, and to requite their parents:’ says Paul, ‘for that is good and acceptable before God’ (1 Tim. 5:4). And this rule Joseph observed to his poor father, though he himself was next the king in Egypt (Gen. 47:12; 41:39-44).

But notice, let them ‘requite their parents.’ There are three things for which, as long as you live, you will be a debtor to your parents.

Third, Therefore show, by all humble and son-like behavior, that you do to this day, with your heart, remember the love of your parents. Thus much for obedience to parents in general.

Again, if your parents be godly, and you wicked, as you are, if you have not a second work or birth from God upon you, then you are to consider, that you are more strongly engaged to respect and honor your parents, not now only as a father in the flesh, but as godly parents; your father and mother are now made of God your teachers and instructors in the way of righteousness. Therefore, to allude to that of Solomon, ‘My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother; bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy neck’ (Prov 6:20, 21).

Now, to provoke you to consider this,

Besides, little do you know how heart-aching a consideration it is to your parents, when they do but suppose you may be damned! How many prayers, sighs, and tears, are there wrung from their hearts upon this account? Every misdeed of yours goes to their heart, for fear God should take an occasion by it to shut you up in hardness for ever. How did Abraham groan for Ishmael? ‘O,’ said he, to God, ‘that Ishmael might live before thee!’ (Gen. 17:18). How was Isaac and Rebecca grieved for the misbehavior of Esau? (Gen. 26:34, 35). And how bitterly did David mourn for his son, who died in his wickedness? (2 Sam. 18:32, 33).

Lastly, And can any imagine, but that all these prayers, sighs, etc., of your godly parents, will be to you the increase of your torments in hell, if you die in your sins notwithstanding?

Again, if your parents, and you also, be godly, how happy a thing is this? How should you rejoice, that the same faith should dwell both in your parents and you? Your conversion, possibly, is the fruit of your parents’ groans and prayers for your soul; and they cannot choose but rejoice; rejoice with them. It is true, in the salvation of a natural son, which is mentioned in the parable: ‘This my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry’ (Luke 15:24). Let therefore the consideration of this, that your parents have grace, as well as you, engage your heart so much the more to honor, reverence, and obey them.

You are better able now to consider the pains and care that your friends have been at, both for your body and soul; therefore strive to repay them. You have strength to answer in some measure the command: therefore do not neglect it. It is a double sin in a gracious son not to remember the commandment, yes, the first commandment with promise (Eph 6:1, 2). Take heed of giving your sweet parents one snappish word, or behaving in any way unseemly towards them. Love them because they are your parents, because they are godly, and because you must be in glory with them.

Again, if you be godly, and your parents wicked, as often it sadly falls out; then,